It's the only way I can get close to describing the mess that is AMERICAN VIRIGN. A movie that is so bad, and so incredibly vapid that you can track Mena Suvari's (LOSER) fading career by it. When director SAM MENDES cast her in AMERICAN BEAUTY, I'll bet many people thought she was destined for a nice long career. Maybe, that's why a film like AMERICAN PIE looks like a step down and it's sub par sequel is even worse. But when she agreed to play a tart in AMERICAN VIRGIN, I guess her career went down the tubes with the word American.

The film tells the story of porn baron Ronny Bartalotti (Robert Loggia, Lost Highway); he's a harsh abrasive individual that loves his daughter Katrina (Suvari) very much. He would do anything for her. Too bad she doesn't see it in her father. When she agrees to work for her Dad's former employee and biggest rival Joey Quinn (Bob Hoskins, Who Framed Roger Rabbit) by losing her virginity to millions of men around the world on national TV using a virtual reality suit. It's up to dear old dad to save his sweetheart.

As this movie rolls out you begin to realize something. Nothing makes sense. It's like the director (Jean-Pierre Marois, Save the Rabbits) was given a bunch of characters and chucked a camera in their face. Loggia and Hoskins spend the entire film screaming and yelling at each other. Yes, each actor just screams, A lot! It's like Marois got mad at each actor, telling them both, you need to scream more. The movie needs more screaming. How this film got past the editing stage with so much screaming and yelling in it, is beyond me?

There is also a subplot involving a boyfriend (Gabriel Mann, Buffalo Soldiers) whose whole goal is to bump into things and fall from high places. There is also a trashy TV talk show host (Sally Kellerman, MASH) who shows up everywhere as well, cause for some reason all Talk shows are live, and have a desire to cover events like this.

The film is attempting to be a satire. But of what I'm not sure. It's like any coherent (and funny) idea was left on the cutting room floor, replaced by random scenes. There is this one scene involving a porn star that can't get it up, that goes on far to long and in the end it makes very little sense? Why it's in this movie? I guess to stretch the running time. I almost turned it off at that point.

Why anyone thought this meandering script was ripe for the plucking is beyond me. I had a pal in Los Angeles who came across a script called "****." It was the worst script ever written, but damn it had more potential than this piece of crap.

Do yourself a favor if you're passing down the video aisle and you come across a film called AMERICAN VIRGIN! Skip it! You'll be so glad you did.

Mena Suvari plays the Live Virgin who will lose her virginity on air when she hits 18. I felt that her character was dense and was not brought out enough.

Bob Hoskins plays the director of Live Virgin. He has some great humour and his character is great...but there was something missing.

I think there is something missing from the movie as a whole. Although there are some funny moments I felt a little uninterested as the film progressed. And then you have the big finale which is exactly as I expected...happy ever after. Why for once can't they break the rules and have a satisfying/entertaining ending?
The movie is watchable and not a bad attempt at all.

Let me correct one misunderstanding (if you have) on your side that this is a Mena Suvari film. No. It's stars are Robert Loggia ("Independence Day") and Bob Hoskins ("Monalisa"), and Mena plays the secondary role no matter what you see on the video jacket. The male players are adult film directors, and kind of rivals to each other. And daddy Robert finds her daughter Mena Suvari is going to 'star' in Bob's live-net show, in which Mena loses her virginity, sharing the experience on the net with audience wearing green-colored techno-suits which give the same sensation the lucky guy is going to have.... Oh dear.

But of course, this is a comedy, and actually I found little nudity (and none of Mena, thank Heaven), so guys, don't be mistaken. The film is totally devoid of humor, and the two veteran actors are only swearing dirty words in public, on TV, and whenever they get a chance, and the film seems to think it's funny. Mena's boyfriend is a crying mama's boy, and trying to do something to change her mind, always breaks something in an awkward way. But I never found a single moment even slightly funny during the course ... but remember, I am a Japanese, and that's because cultural diference. But I laughed lots of good and healthy laughs while watching "American Pie."

Probably, besides the dismally made sequel to "Carrie," this is a film Mena Suvari wants to forget. If you're a truly devoted fan of her, watch it.